This section tells you all you need to know, your essential guide to all the abbreviated terms used in the book.
| OVBE | Order of the Very Best Erection |
| IPHC | International Pussy Hunters Club |
| APPSA | All Party Parliamentary Sex Awards |
| BFs | Ben's Friend(s) |
| CINDERELLARISATION | The process of rendering the "wife" comatose (normally on holiday) so that a Gentleman can take advantage of the numerous opportunities available "to put it about a bit." NB Brigadier Hardcastle |
| EAD | Easy Access Dress |
| FFF | Female Fans of Fellatio NB Madeline |
| GAG | Grab a Granny NB Bell End Boy |
| GFI | Gagging For It |
| LSF | Lick Suck Fuck NB Ferret |
| NLP | Neuro-Linguistic Programming |
| NNC | No Negative Crap |
| PAT | Pussy Arse and Tits |
| PCP | Politically Correct Prick |
| Pinkie | Tobagan for Pussy |
| TG | "The Guru" of Greyton |
| TMFF | The Most Fabulous Fucking |
| TMT | Trade Mark Todger NB "The Toadstool" Bell End Boy |
| WWW | Women Wanting Wangers NB Madeline |